Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Get out of the way!!!

Get out of MY way!!!!!! I understand that every seat and table in the bar and restaurant are completely filled. I understand that it is standing room only, but if you want a seat then get out of the staffs way. Let's start with your favorite bartender. If you don't move then he can't get in an out of the bar area to take orders from his customers; which means he can put there orders in and if they can't order food then they can not eat and leave. So you won't be able to sit down. Thanks for stepping aside briefly, but now he has to go get their food and bring it over to his table and refill drinks. Yep, you are still in the walk way and in the way. This is the fifth time he has had to squeeze past you and say "Excuse Me" very nicely to you, and that is just for this one table. Obviously you want that table. I can tell by the way you are hovering over them and have made their eating experience uncomfortable the entire time, but they could have been gone a long time ago if you were not standing in the way.

Oh, you are on the waiting list?! Sanding at the hostess stand will not get you a table faster. What will get you table faster is getting out of the staffs way. You see that old busser that you live so much? You are in his way. Move!! Out da way!! Out da way!! His job is to take the dirty dishes back to the dishwasher so that the dishwasher can clean the dirty dishes and run them through the dishwashing machine to get clean. This is important, because after those dishes get cleaned they are sent to the kitchen to be filled with food for the friendly customers at one of the tables you covet. We can not seat you until we feed the people that are currently waiting for their food. By the way, now you are standing in front of the service window exit; which is where the servers and food runners pick up the food, now that we have clean plates, to deliver it to one of several tables through out the bar and restaurant. That would go smoother and faster if you would get out of the way, because we can't get people their food with you standing right their and you can't have that table until they get their food first. This is not a drive through fast food window and if it was the same applies. You can not get your food until the car in front of you gets theirs.

So stop standing in our walkways!!!

Dumb asses!

StalkHer Much?

Today's blog comes from two recent occurrences.

Yes! She still works here! I told you that when you asked me last week and the three prior weeks when you asked me that. I know you don't come in as much as you use too. You have told me that for the last month. What kind of weirdo stalker are you anyway? A normal stalker would come in on her shifts to see her. I'm flattered that your perverted ass is here on my shift asking bout her, though. Most guys would just stair at her and say inappropriate comments. Then they would leave a slightly above average tip to try and impress her with there averageness, but you have chosen a non traditional route and applaud you for your unique perspective on allusive stalking. You could try and me more like that creepy forty eight year old that crept out of the dark corner of the bar the other night. For the record: Telling her that you remember when she was 16 and that she is still as pretty as she was then.....Is the king of Creepiness! What did he think was going to happen after that? They say that age is just a number and that love is blind to age differences, but that is just wrong.

Congratulations, sir, you have won the 'Creepiest Pick Up Line Ever Award'

Grab some friends and go out to celebrate your victory.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Do you need something?

My name is not hey. I'm not a dog so don't whistle at me. Snap at your kids for attention and not me. These are not valid options to get my attention. Excuse me works well or you can call me by my name. Sir is also acceptable. Do not whistle at me or I will shove my fist down your throat. Do not put you hand in the air and start snapping franticly or I will make you eat your fist. Saying "Hey, Hey, hey, hey!" over and over will only encourage me to fully ignore you. I did see you trying to flag me down, while I was taking another tables order ;and as soon as I am done with this table I will come right over there and kick your teeth in. That goes the same for my cocktail waitress and waitresses too. Their names are not baby, sugar, or sweet tits; and no they are not single and if they are they are not interested in a distasteful scum bag like you. You are not funny. You are not smooth. You are a drunk and obnoxious too. I know they are pretty and their job is to smile back at you, but they do not get paid extra to deal with your shit and this is not a strip club.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Camping and Campers!

Bring your tent, sleeping bag, and some pest spray. Now spray yourself in the eye with repellent, because you are the insect. Get out of here. Go home. Go anywhere you want. Just get the hell out of my section. I'm happy when the NFL is on too, but I don't sit at the same table for 8 hours and have the same soda refilled over and over again. I can't wait to get 10% tip on one soda. I'm gonna be rich in no time at this rate. Camping Fee should be a mandatory tip of $8 per hour that you take up that table. Do you disagree with me? Allow me to explain the math to you then. You are one person taking up a table for four people. In one hour of time I can get a table of four in and out with time to spare. In that time they will spend around $50 in average. You spent $2. They would have tipped me $8 to $10 and been gone in less than an hour. If we use the lowest estimate of $8 per table per hour, then you would owe $64 in tips for your $2 soda. That is how much money you have just stolen from me. You are a thief. This does not just happen during football season either. This applies to all playoff games, baseball, basketball, hockey, football, tennis, Olympics, and etc ........

Be mindful of how long you linger. It costs us and not you.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Your meal was free and I guess the tip was too?!!

I'm glad you know the owner or manager, but just because they decided to treat you to a free meal doesn't mean that I was giving you free service. Because I got this job to bring you food and clean up after your messy ass for minimum age. Now I know how your mommy feels. Unappreciated! Do you hate your mother? Because, I am sure she is tired of picking up after you with out so much as a thank you. At least verbal tippers say thanks, before totally screwing me over. You didn't even say thanks and didn't pay for your meal. Is it really that hard to be appreciative?

Thank you Jerk Face at table 68 from lunch

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Stop yelling at our hostess!

Hey, bitchy woman and dick-head man, you want to calm down right now? You are yelling at the top of your lungs at a 16 year old girl or boy. Most likely, now, a very frightened young girl! Do you feel empowered and relieved from your stressful week of work now? Now that you've unleashed all your built up venom (toward your boss probably), on this poor thing. Who had to get a job, because her parents wanted to teach her some responsibility. Who is too busy texting her new boyfriend to deal with you. I don't blame her. You are loud and rude, and I'd rather be gossiping on Facebook too. Come on, there has to be something more interesting on Twitter, than your obnoxious opinion. No, she is not going to kick people out of the restaurant so that you can have a table, right now. We wouldn't do that to you and we won't do it to any other table either. Look into her blank eyes staring right through you and ask yourself, "Self?" "What makes you think she is even capable of that?" Squirrel.......

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

We are ready to order.

No you're not, you liar! Because I'll stand here for the next five minutes while you discuss, debate, and decide what you are in the mood for as a table and individually. It's ok that I just got sat two new tables, that I have to greet and get drinks for. It's ok that I have two other tables staring at me intensely and impatiently waiting for their food to be delivered. It's fine, I know their food should be ready right now; while their hot food is getting cold and their cold food is getting warm. I'm sure this is my fault for asking if you were ready to order yet. You said "Yes", but strangely have not even ordered an appetizer or salad as a starter. No, it's fine, keep yelling at your kids to find out what they want to eat. I'd ignore you and keep coloring as well. Oh, by all means, please discuss every meal you have had this week to help narrow down your options. I'll just stand here and play Angry Birds on my phone or construct a bomb out of a toothpick and gum to blow you to kingdom come. How in the hell did you even come to the decision to leave the house today? I'd come back in a few minutes, but I know as soon as I walk away you will flag down my manager to complain that you haven't seen your server and have been ready to order for 10 minutes now; because you have already demonstrated to me your capacity for intelligence. None!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone