Stop yelling at our hostess!

Hey, bitchy woman and dick-head man, you want to calm down right now? You are yelling at the top of your lungs at a 16 year old girl or boy. Most likely, now, a very frightened young girl! Do you feel empowered and relieved from your stressful week of work now? Now that you've unleashed all your built up venom (toward your boss probably), on this poor thing. Who had to get a job, because her parents wanted to teach her some responsibility. Who is too busy texting her new boyfriend to deal with you. I don't blame her. You are loud and rude, and I'd rather be gossiping on Facebook too. Come on, there has to be something more interesting on Twitter, than your obnoxious opinion. No, she is not going to kick people out of the restaurant so that you can have a table, right now. We wouldn't do that to you and we won't do it to any other table either. Look into her blank eyes staring right through you and ask yourself, "Self?" "What makes you think she is even capable of that?" Squirrel.......

We are ready to order.

No you're not, you liar! Because I'll stand here for the next five minutes while you discuss, debate, and decide what you are in the mood for as a table and individually. It's ok that I just got sat two new tables, that I have to greet and get drinks for. It's ok that I have two other tables staring at me intensely and impatiently waiting for their food to be delivered. It's fine, I know their food should be ready right now; while their hot food is getting cold and their cold food is getting warm. I'm sure this is my fault for asking if you were ready to order yet. You said "Yes", but strangely have not even ordered an appetizer or salad as a starter. No, it's fine, keep yelling at your kids to find out what they want to eat. I'd ignore you and keep coloring as well. Oh, by all means, please discuss every meal you have had this week to help narrow down your options. I'll just stand here and play Angry Birds on my phone or construct a bomb out of a toothpick and gum to blow you to kingdom come. How in the hell did you even come to the decision to leave the house today? I'd come back in a few minutes, but I know as soon as I walk away you will flag down my manager to complain that you haven't seen your server and have been ready to order for 10 minutes now; because you have already demonstrated to me your capacity for intelligence. None!


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Sit! Stay! Good boy!

Here you go. Your server will be right with you. And as soon as the hostess walks away......

Here is your chance. Get up and move to any other open table that you see. Now make sure you look sour and angry when it takes your server five minutes to come greet you. Which isn't even your server, because you took it upon yourself to move into someone else's section with out telling anyone or asking if it was okay.  Never mind the fact that you moved from a table made for two to a table made for six to eight. However, we do apologize for your long wait; due to the fact that you just took the table that we were going to seat the party of seven for (Smith), that was right behind you on the waiting list. If our entire staff was not scrambling around to find them a new table then we would have been right with you. I'm here now to take your order and find out how else you can totally screw up my night.

Thank you table 28. Oh you moved to table 17.

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Waters for the whole table

Your not even going to drink it. Don't you know we are in a drought? Why are you ordering water with your beer or soda? I still see your water sitting there with the ice melting and the condensation dripping down the side of the glass forming a puddle around the base of the glass. Yep, still no touch. Glad I could refill your soda five times, but remind me why you wanted that water again? I like water and drink a lot of it myself, but I drink it and only order it when I plan on drinking it. You should do the same. Don't order water for your entire party that has not arrives yet! Don't order water for the whole table when you sit down! Water is not for you to have something to stare at while you decide what it is that you really want to drink. Plus, if your friend orders water and you say,"That sounds good I'll take one too" then your an idiot. I applaud you for asking me at the same time and not making me take two trips. But since neither of you took a single sip of water, you guessed it, your'e an idiot. Just stay home damn it. Yes, the same two old ladies from table 12, but this happens a lot. Don't waste our time or our water.


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Can I have a side of that too?

Still the same dumb ladies from table 12.

Yes you can have a side of that. I hope you choke on it too. Seriously, when you ordered your salad and ordered your dressing on the side, that would have been a good time to tell me the dressing you would like with the salad. However, because you are socially stupid, you waited until I brought out your salad to ask me what type of vinaigrette dressings we have. After I give you your options you politely ask for the Italian. "No problem" I say. I bring your Italian dressing and your dumb friend looks up at me in disgust and has the nerve to ask for one too. Now I have a problem! Listen here people! When your food comes it is expected that you may need a few more things to make your meal complete and enjoyable. That's our job, but if I have to go to the kitchen for one item at a time for every person at the table one person at a time; then I'm gonna snap and kill someone at your table. Maybe all of you. You all know you are going to need this and that on the side, but can't formulate a sentence to ask for all those items at the same time. When two people so this I get pissed off, but when an entire table of six or more do it then I lose control. That is just rude and inconsiderate. Thanks for the apology for making me make 10 different trips to your table when it could have taken one trip. Your welcome. To not come back.


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Do you know who our server is?

This rant comes courteous of the two old ladies from table 12 today.

I'm your server. I am unfortunately. I'm glad you can stop two different people to ask who your server is right after I just left the table. Are you kidding me, bitch? I was just standing in front of you 1 1/2 minutes ago. Remember, I asked you if you were ready to order any food. You said that you needed a few minutes to look through the menu first. Then when I walked away, you grabbed the first person you saw, 30 seconds later, to ask who your server is, because you are ready to order and haven't seen your server in 10 minutes. Then as he comes over to tell me that you are ready to order you grab the next employee that walks by, 30 seconds later, to ask her who your server is. Come on. Are you really that stupid? Or just that impatient? So I come over to take your order, two minutes after leaving your table the first time, and you are all exacerbated about how hungry you are. Well then maybe you shouldn't have sent me away the first time saying you needed a few minutes to make up your mind. That crap drives me crazy. You are a pain in the ass and an idiot. Just stay home.


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I didn't like this, but I finished it anyway!

Ha ha this so common, unfortunately. Look, if you don't like something you should send it back immediately. Don't just grin and bare it. Either have it replaced with something else or have them make it again. If it was prepared wrong and is not the quality item that you expected then you should not accept it. By finishing your drink or meal you are stating that you enjoyed your item. Unfortunately human error happens and drinks and food can be sent out sub par, but it is your right as a customer to refuse it if it does not meet your standards or the restaurants standards. Your server, most likely, did not prepare your food or drink and is not offended from you returning said item. If you finish it, however, they have nothing to show the manager, bartender, or cooks and will not be able to correct the situation and learn from their mistake. If you do finish it, then try to complain or have it replaced, we are going to assume that you are just trying to cheat the system and get something for nothing. Which once again adds up to, Cheap! You know who you are! You are not the first person to run this scam on us and won't be the last, but know we see right through your lies.


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Is it too late to change my order?

No problem. Big time LIE! Yes, of course it's a problem, but not for you. You see if you would have stopped me before I put your order in, instead of eight full minutes later, it would not be an issue. Let me explain the restaurant time line for food. On average this is expected at most restaurants across the board, but fancy dining always takes longer. Appetizers 3-12 minutes. Salads 2-10 minutes. Entrees 8-15 minutes. Desserts 2-10 minutes. Now all of these times are averages and will depend on a variety of influences like: type of restaurant, type of food, ingredients in food, freshness of food, and how backed up the kitchen staff is. A lot of what we do depends on our kitchen staff. So considering these time lines that I have provided for you rethink that question again. Because, since you were indecisive and changed your mind we will now have to throw away your food that has already been started. No we can not do that. It's against the law. We can't give it to you for free anyway either. Their are people starving across the planet that would have loved that meal that you just ordered and then had us discard. Of course it's no problem! It really is. Make up your mind and stick with it.

What would I like? What am I in the mood for? What sounds good?

These are three questions you should never ask your server. Strangely enough one of my fellow employees asked me one of them today after deciding to stay and eat while picking up his paycheck. You'd think he'd know better by now. I don't know what you like! I don't know what is good to you! I most certainly do not know what you crave for food! I have about fifty regulars that I could venture a guess on and you are not one of them. I have 20 regulars that always eat the same thing and I don't have to guess. Not to mention I hate guessing games. Let me guess your weight instead. Fat! Was I close? I would be happy to tell you what I like and why I like that menu item, but that may not do you any good. Every now and then when I answer these questions someone says "Ok, that sounds good", but that is one in out of a hundred. May I suggest starting off by telling your server why type of food you normally like to eat so that they first have a better understanding of your personal tastes. Then they should be able to make some valid suggestions for you, and if not it's because they suck. Assuming your server is not new, they should have extensive knowledge of the food and menu. Unless you are at a steak house and your server is a vegan or vegetarian. In that case I suggest you ask for a carnivorous server. What's good here? That is another dumb question. It is every servers job to sell you on the food. It is rare they will tell you to avoid the clam chowder; unless you are in Fight Club! Great movie. Have you seen the movie, Waiting? Yep, that is how we really feel.


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Location:Three questions you should never ask your server