Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Get out of the way!!!

Get out of MY way!!!!!! I understand that every seat and table in the bar and restaurant are completely filled. I understand that it is standing room only, but if you want a seat then get out of the staffs way. Let's start with your favorite bartender. If you don't move then he can't get in an out of the bar area to take orders from his customers; which means he can put there orders in and if they can't order food then they can not eat and leave. So you won't be able to sit down. Thanks for stepping aside briefly, but now he has to go get their food and bring it over to his table and refill drinks. Yep, you are still in the walk way and in the way. This is the fifth time he has had to squeeze past you and say "Excuse Me" very nicely to you, and that is just for this one table. Obviously you want that table. I can tell by the way you are hovering over them and have made their eating experience uncomfortable the entire time, but they could have been gone a long time ago if you were not standing in the way.

Oh, you are on the waiting list?! Sanding at the hostess stand will not get you a table faster. What will get you table faster is getting out of the staffs way. You see that old busser that you live so much? You are in his way. Move!! Out da way!! Out da way!! His job is to take the dirty dishes back to the dishwasher so that the dishwasher can clean the dirty dishes and run them through the dishwashing machine to get clean. This is important, because after those dishes get cleaned they are sent to the kitchen to be filled with food for the friendly customers at one of the tables you covet. We can not seat you until we feed the people that are currently waiting for their food. By the way, now you are standing in front of the service window exit; which is where the servers and food runners pick up the food, now that we have clean plates, to deliver it to one of several tables through out the bar and restaurant. That would go smoother and faster if you would get out of the way, because we can't get people their food with you standing right their and you can't have that table until they get their food first. This is not a drive through fast food window and if it was the same applies. You can not get your food until the car in front of you gets theirs.

So stop standing in our walkways!!!

Dumb asses!

StalkHer Much?

Today's blog comes from two recent occurrences.

Yes! She still works here! I told you that when you asked me last week and the three prior weeks when you asked me that. I know you don't come in as much as you use too. You have told me that for the last month. What kind of weirdo stalker are you anyway? A normal stalker would come in on her shifts to see her. I'm flattered that your perverted ass is here on my shift asking bout her, though. Most guys would just stair at her and say inappropriate comments. Then they would leave a slightly above average tip to try and impress her with there averageness, but you have chosen a non traditional route and applaud you for your unique perspective on allusive stalking. You could try and me more like that creepy forty eight year old that crept out of the dark corner of the bar the other night. For the record: Telling her that you remember when she was 16 and that she is still as pretty as she was then.....Is the king of Creepiness! What did he think was going to happen after that? They say that age is just a number and that love is blind to age differences, but that is just wrong.

Congratulations, sir, you have won the 'Creepiest Pick Up Line Ever Award'

Grab some friends and go out to celebrate your victory.

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Sunday, April 3, 2011

Do you need something?

My name is not hey. I'm not a dog so don't whistle at me. Snap at your kids for attention and not me. These are not valid options to get my attention. Excuse me works well or you can call me by my name. Sir is also acceptable. Do not whistle at me or I will shove my fist down your throat. Do not put you hand in the air and start snapping franticly or I will make you eat your fist. Saying "Hey, Hey, hey, hey!" over and over will only encourage me to fully ignore you. I did see you trying to flag me down, while I was taking another tables order ;and as soon as I am done with this table I will come right over there and kick your teeth in. That goes the same for my cocktail waitress and waitresses too. Their names are not baby, sugar, or sweet tits; and no they are not single and if they are they are not interested in a distasteful scum bag like you. You are not funny. You are not smooth. You are a drunk and obnoxious too. I know they are pretty and their job is to smile back at you, but they do not get paid extra to deal with your shit and this is not a strip club.

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Camping and Campers!

Bring your tent, sleeping bag, and some pest spray. Now spray yourself in the eye with repellent, because you are the insect. Get out of here. Go home. Go anywhere you want. Just get the hell out of my section. I'm happy when the NFL is on too, but I don't sit at the same table for 8 hours and have the same soda refilled over and over again. I can't wait to get 10% tip on one soda. I'm gonna be rich in no time at this rate. Camping Fee should be a mandatory tip of $8 per hour that you take up that table. Do you disagree with me? Allow me to explain the math to you then. You are one person taking up a table for four people. In one hour of time I can get a table of four in and out with time to spare. In that time they will spend around $50 in average. You spent $2. They would have tipped me $8 to $10 and been gone in less than an hour. If we use the lowest estimate of $8 per table per hour, then you would owe $64 in tips for your $2 soda. That is how much money you have just stolen from me. You are a thief. This does not just happen during football season either. This applies to all playoff games, baseball, basketball, hockey, football, tennis, Olympics, and etc ........

Be mindful of how long you linger. It costs us and not you.

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Your meal was free and I guess the tip was too?!!

I'm glad you know the owner or manager, but just because they decided to treat you to a free meal doesn't mean that I was giving you free service. Because I got this job to bring you food and clean up after your messy ass for minimum age. Now I know how your mommy feels. Unappreciated! Do you hate your mother? Because, I am sure she is tired of picking up after you with out so much as a thank you. At least verbal tippers say thanks, before totally screwing me over. You didn't even say thanks and didn't pay for your meal. Is it really that hard to be appreciative?

Thank you Jerk Face at table 68 from lunch

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Stop yelling at our hostess!

Hey, bitchy woman and dick-head man, you want to calm down right now? You are yelling at the top of your lungs at a 16 year old girl or boy. Most likely, now, a very frightened young girl! Do you feel empowered and relieved from your stressful week of work now? Now that you've unleashed all your built up venom (toward your boss probably), on this poor thing. Who had to get a job, because her parents wanted to teach her some responsibility. Who is too busy texting her new boyfriend to deal with you. I don't blame her. You are loud and rude, and I'd rather be gossiping on Facebook too. Come on, there has to be something more interesting on Twitter, than your obnoxious opinion. No, she is not going to kick people out of the restaurant so that you can have a table, right now. We wouldn't do that to you and we won't do it to any other table either. Look into her blank eyes staring right through you and ask yourself, "Self?" "What makes you think she is even capable of that?" Squirrel.......

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

We are ready to order.

No you're not, you liar! Because I'll stand here for the next five minutes while you discuss, debate, and decide what you are in the mood for as a table and individually. It's ok that I just got sat two new tables, that I have to greet and get drinks for. It's ok that I have two other tables staring at me intensely and impatiently waiting for their food to be delivered. It's fine, I know their food should be ready right now; while their hot food is getting cold and their cold food is getting warm. I'm sure this is my fault for asking if you were ready to order yet. You said "Yes", but strangely have not even ordered an appetizer or salad as a starter. No, it's fine, keep yelling at your kids to find out what they want to eat. I'd ignore you and keep coloring as well. Oh, by all means, please discuss every meal you have had this week to help narrow down your options. I'll just stand here and play Angry Birds on my phone or construct a bomb out of a toothpick and gum to blow you to kingdom come. How in the hell did you even come to the decision to leave the house today? I'd come back in a few minutes, but I know as soon as I walk away you will flag down my manager to complain that you haven't seen your server and have been ready to order for 10 minutes now; because you have already demonstrated to me your capacity for intelligence. None!

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Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Sit! Stay! Good boy!

Here you go. Your server will be right with you. And as soon as the hostess walks away......

Here is your chance. Get up and move to any other open table that you see. Now make sure you look sour and angry when it takes your server five minutes to come greet you. Which isn't even your server, because you took it upon yourself to move into someone else's section with out telling anyone or asking if it was okay.  Never mind the fact that you moved from a table made for two to a table made for six to eight. However, we do apologize for your long wait; due to the fact that you just took the table that we were going to seat the party of seven for (Smith), that was right behind you on the waiting list. If our entire staff was not scrambling around to find them a new table then we would have been right with you. I'm here now to take your order and find out how else you can totally screw up my night.

Thank you table 28. Oh you moved to table 17.

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Friday, March 4, 2011

Waters for the whole table

Your not even going to drink it. Don't you know we are in a drought? Why are you ordering water with your beer or soda? I still see your water sitting there with the ice melting and the condensation dripping down the side of the glass forming a puddle around the base of the glass. Yep, still no touch. Glad I could refill your soda five times, but remind me why you wanted that water again? I like water and drink a lot of it myself, but I drink it and only order it when I plan on drinking it. You should do the same. Don't order water for your entire party that has not arrives yet! Don't order water for the whole table when you sit down! Water is not for you to have something to stare at while you decide what it is that you really want to drink. Plus, if your friend orders water and you say,"That sounds good I'll take one too" then your an idiot. I applaud you for asking me at the same time and not making me take two trips. But since neither of you took a single sip of water, you guessed it, your'e an idiot. Just stay home damn it. Yes, the same two old ladies from table 12, but this happens a lot. Don't waste our time or our water.

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Can I have a side of that too?

Still the same dumb ladies from table 12.

Yes you can have a side of that. I hope you choke on it too. Seriously, when you ordered your salad and ordered your dressing on the side, that would have been a good time to tell me the dressing you would like with the salad. However, because you are socially stupid, you waited until I brought out your salad to ask me what type of vinaigrette dressings we have. After I give you your options you politely ask for the Italian. "No problem" I say. I bring your Italian dressing and your dumb friend looks up at me in disgust and has the nerve to ask for one too. Now I have a problem! Listen here people! When your food comes it is expected that you may need a few more things to make your meal complete and enjoyable. That's our job, but if I have to go to the kitchen for one item at a time for every person at the table one person at a time; then I'm gonna snap and kill someone at your table. Maybe all of you. You all know you are going to need this and that on the side, but can't formulate a sentence to ask for all those items at the same time. When two people so this I get pissed off, but when an entire table of six or more do it then I lose control. That is just rude and inconsiderate. Thanks for the apology for making me make 10 different trips to your table when it could have taken one trip. Your welcome. To not come back.

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Do you know who our server is?

This rant comes courteous of the two old ladies from table 12 today.

I'm your server. I am unfortunately. I'm glad you can stop two different people to ask who your server is right after I just left the table. Are you kidding me, bitch? I was just standing in front of you 1 1/2 minutes ago. Remember, I asked you if you were ready to order any food. You said that you needed a few minutes to look through the menu first. Then when I walked away, you grabbed the first person you saw, 30 seconds later, to ask who your server is, because you are ready to order and haven't seen your server in 10 minutes. Then as he comes over to tell me that you are ready to order you grab the next employee that walks by, 30 seconds later, to ask her who your server is. Come on. Are you really that stupid? Or just that impatient? So I come over to take your order, two minutes after leaving your table the first time, and you are all exacerbated about how hungry you are. Well then maybe you shouldn't have sent me away the first time saying you needed a few minutes to make up your mind. That crap drives me crazy. You are a pain in the ass and an idiot. Just stay home.

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Wednesday, March 2, 2011

I didn't like this, but I finished it anyway!

Ha ha this so common, unfortunately. Look, if you don't like something you should send it back immediately. Don't just grin and bare it. Either have it replaced with something else or have them make it again. If it was prepared wrong and is not the quality item that you expected then you should not accept it. By finishing your drink or meal you are stating that you enjoyed your item. Unfortunately human error happens and drinks and food can be sent out sub par, but it is your right as a customer to refuse it if it does not meet your standards or the restaurants standards. Your server, most likely, did not prepare your food or drink and is not offended from you returning said item. If you finish it, however, they have nothing to show the manager, bartender, or cooks and will not be able to correct the situation and learn from their mistake. If you do finish it, then try to complain or have it replaced, we are going to assume that you are just trying to cheat the system and get something for nothing. Which once again adds up to, Cheap! You know who you are! You are not the first person to run this scam on us and won't be the last, but know we see right through your lies.

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Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Is it too late to change my order?

No problem. Big time LIE! Yes, of course it's a problem, but not for you. You see if you would have stopped me before I put your order in, instead of eight full minutes later, it would not be an issue. Let me explain the restaurant time line for food. On average this is expected at most restaurants across the board, but fancy dining always takes longer. Appetizers 3-12 minutes. Salads 2-10 minutes. Entrees 8-15 minutes. Desserts 2-10 minutes. Now all of these times are averages and will depend on a variety of influences like: type of restaurant, type of food, ingredients in food, freshness of food, and how backed up the kitchen staff is. A lot of what we do depends on our kitchen staff. So considering these time lines that I have provided for you rethink that question again. Because, since you were indecisive and changed your mind we will now have to throw away your food that has already been started. No we can not do that. It's against the law. We can't give it to you for free anyway either. Their are people starving across the planet that would have loved that meal that you just ordered and then had us discard. Of course it's no problem! It really is. Make up your mind and stick with it.

What would I like? What am I in the mood for? What sounds good?

These are three questions you should never ask your server. Strangely enough one of my fellow employees asked me one of them today after deciding to stay and eat while picking up his paycheck. You'd think he'd know better by now. I don't know what you like! I don't know what is good to you! I most certainly do not know what you crave for food! I have about fifty regulars that I could venture a guess on and you are not one of them. I have 20 regulars that always eat the same thing and I don't have to guess. Not to mention I hate guessing games. Let me guess your weight instead. Fat! Was I close? I would be happy to tell you what I like and why I like that menu item, but that may not do you any good. Every now and then when I answer these questions someone says "Ok, that sounds good", but that is one in out of a hundred. May I suggest starting off by telling your server why type of food you normally like to eat so that they first have a better understanding of your personal tastes. Then they should be able to make some valid suggestions for you, and if not it's because they suck. Assuming your server is not new, they should have extensive knowledge of the food and menu. Unless you are at a steak house and your server is a vegan or vegetarian. In that case I suggest you ask for a carnivorous server. What's good here? That is another dumb question. It is every servers job to sell you on the food. It is rare they will tell you to avoid the clam chowder; unless you are in Fight Club! Great movie. Have you seen the movie, Waiting? Yep, that is how we really feel.

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Monday, February 28, 2011

You're not the only table here!

Yes, I see you there looking impatient and staring at me intensely. But you're not the only table in the restaurant right now. Seriously, go ahead and look around you. It's okay, I'll wait. Yeah, you see all these other people here.You have something in common with all of them. They are also here to enjoy a good meal that they didn't want to cook for themselves. You all think that you're the only table in the restaurant and your service is far more important than anyone else around you. However, that is not reality! So wake up and stop acting like a douche. Wait your turn, for I am a waiter. Which means I don't wait around at the table for you to figure out what you are in the mood for. Especially while you argue with your spouse. It means you wait for me. I will get to you as soon as I am able to. In fact, I actually want your time here to be enjoyable and your service to be timely. However, I will not neglect the rest of my entire section to ensure that you are happy. I'd rather you be miserable and sit there all upset than have my other tables suffer. If you would just exercise some patience, your experience will be much smoother. Don't get all huffy and puffy with your server. Because you are not the only table in this restaurant.
 Wait your turn like everyone else! Thanks

What's my name? Come on and guess.

Well let me throw a few guesses at you. Moron? Idiot? Jackass? None of those are your name? That's funny, because that's what we call you once you've gone! I'm not very good at guessing games. Should I guess again? Here's an idea. Tell me your name. I know you have before and I know what you normally like to drink too, but I may need a reminder a few times to remember your name. It's not a personal thing. You may be an asshole or you may just be one of the several hundred different people I serve on a weekly basis. You see with that many regulars, semi-regulars, irregulars, and randoms that come in here every day and week it gets difficult to memorize everyones names, but sometimes it's just easier to memorize who drinks what. Here is a helpful tip that will help your local bartender remember your name: Don't Be A Cheap Ass! First impressions are everything and so is that first TIP!

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Sunday, February 27, 2011

Are these your kids?

Stop running! Don't throw that! Stop yelling!  Slow down please!  These are the things I am telling random children through out the night.  Are these your kids?  You know the ones running all over the restaurant, all sugared up and behaving like animals. All while you feed them quarters to keep them distracted from you and don't throw a tantrum infront of everyone.  How about the group of kids who just finished playing their game (still in their uniforms), playing tag and wrestling by the front entrance, over quarters.  Or the kid that keeps head butting me in the groin because he never pays attention to where he is walking while counting quarters.  Or the kid that who walks up every few minutes to ask if I have a few extra quarters.  Or the ones that pushed their way through some other customers, rudely, running to you for more quarters.  We are happy that you can find a place to go so that you can enjoy yourselves and completely ignore your children! However we are not paid baby-sitters.  Also, DO NOT come complaining to us because your child fell on their face. Ran into a server and fell on their face. Or that their friend threw a toy and hit them in the face. Or that they ran into a server, who happen to dropped a hot pizza on their face. Lastly, don't comlain that your child ran into the front door with their face. Maybe they just need to be slapped across the face. Ever think of that?  And don't get mad at the table next to you for chastising your child publicly, when you refuse to teach them any manners or social restraint. If you can't control your kids then leave them at home-very simple.  If you were insulted by these statements, maybe you are not the great parent that you think you are and maybe your kids are not the shining examples of perfection that you claim them to be.  Call someone who cares.  Here are some quarters!

The Verbal Tip

Attention to those of you reading this and have ever worked in the bar or restaurant industry. You all know or have heard of a verbal tip. Your boyfriend or grandma and grandpa are guilty of this. A verbal tip usually means very little money or nothing at all. The nicer the customer and the nicer the things they say about you- the worst the tip. It's usually something like,"I just had to tell you that you are the best server we have ever had!" or "Tell the manager that you need a raise, because you are so good at your job." You're damn right I need a raise, because people like you don't know how to tip. If you really want to thank your server for excellent service may I suggest you actually tip them 20%. Because telling them that it was the best service that you have ever had and then hand them the bill with a 10% or less tip is really telling them that you are an idiot and a cheap ass for that matter. 10% tips do not pay the bills. Yes! We have bills too. Yes! We are people too. Yes! We suffer just like everybody else when the economy is down. So keep your verbal praises to yourself and give us the money or go to your favorite fast food drive through!

On behalf of Bartenders and Servers Worldwide!
TIPS: To Ensure Proper Service. And if this requirement is met, then pay up or don't come back because we aren't doing this for fun-thanks.